more funny stuff: weird quotes and advice

soup · Last edited by soup on Thu Jun 20, 2002 11:56 am; edited 1 time in total

If you're a cowboy and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine.

"The first thing was, I learned to forgive myself. Then I told myself, 'Go ahead, do whatever you want, it's ok by me.'"

Here's a good joke to do during an earthquake: Straddle a big crack in the ground, and if it opens wider, go "Whoa! Whoa!" and flail your arms around, like you're going to fall in.

If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while you're in there some guys come and seal up both ends and then put it on a truck and take it to another city, boy, I don't know what to tell you.

If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because I bet that's what *really* throws you into a panic.

Somebody told me how frightening it was how much topsoil we are losing each year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got scared

Sometimes you have to be careful when selecting a new name for yourself. For instance, let's say you have chosen the nickname "Fly Head." Normally you would think that "Fly Head" would mean a person who has beautiful swept-back features, as if flying through the air. But think again. Couldn't it also mean "having a head like a fly"? I'm afraid some people might actually think that.

As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.

It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I guess that's what I like about it. It's easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money.

" Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights, even if you don't know what your rights are, or who the person is you're talking to. Then on the way out, slam the door.

Broken promises don't upset me. I just think, why did they believe me?

To me, it's always a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?" you can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."

I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out that I'd just quit my job and become a bum for a few years, because I was thinking about doing that anyway.

If you get invited to your first orgy, don't just show up nude. That's a common mistake. You have to let nudity "happen."

When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it up, and started wondering who this person was, and why he had deer horns.

If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava.......... let'em go, because man........... they're gone.

During the Middle Ages, probably one of the biggest mistakes was not putting on your armor because you were "just going down to the corner."

jakerooni · Posted: Thu Jun 20, 2002 11:53 am Post subject:

Not your best work there TJ and quite a few repeats in there.

soup · Posted: Thu Jun 20, 2002 11:58 am Post subject:

what are you talking about jake??? are you sure you just didnt read the same line twice???

jakerooni · Posted: Thu Jun 20, 2002 12:22 pm Post subject:

Good one TJ good one

ryan_s · Posted: Thu Jun 20, 2002 12:32 pm Post subject:

ahhh courtesy of the legend himself... Jack Handey!!

ninteyonez24 · Posted: Thu Jun 20, 2002 12:59 pm Post subject:

i diddnt see any repeats..

jakerooni · Posted: Thu Jun 20, 2002 2:05 pm Post subject:

If you look at the bottom of the first post, you'll see in fine print "edited 1 time total" That's why you see no repeats now HAHA!

ninteyonez24 · Posted: Thu Jun 20, 2002 2:07 pm Post subject:

LOL i thought most of it was funny though..it was just kind of twisted in a funny way..or is that funny in a twisted way?

fatalshock · Posted: Thu Jun 20, 2002 8:20 pm Post subject:

darkknightz24 · Posted: Thu Jun 20, 2002 8:36 pm Post subject:

Hey I think they were pretty good. Not as funny as some I have seen. But funny......lol

z24_nate · Posted: Fri Jun 21, 2002 10:16 pm Post subject:

One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said. "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late...

A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. "Hear that?" you say. "That's dynamite, baby."

Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion. For instance, let's say you're an astronaught on the moon and you fear that your partner has been turned into Dracula. The next time he goes out for the moon pieces, wham!, you just slam the door behind him and blast off. He might call you on the radio and say he's not Dracula, but you just say, "Think again, bat man."

Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.

The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.

I'd rather be rich than stupid.

If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave man, I guess I'm a coward.

To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.

If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.

Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someones neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what is that thing.

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

-he said cavalier, so I had to put that one, I don't know how the other ones got there

-

z24_nate

soup · Posted: Sat Jun 22, 2002 12:06 am Post subject:

LMAO i wish i found those first...damn gotta try harder..........LOL

callmedjd · Posted: Sat Jun 22, 2002 12:42 am Post subject:

damn. some funny shiznit

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